Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Deep, Cute, Wheeze


It turned out I was there as my great-grandmother wheezed out her last words:

“Look hon, when you get to my age, not only do you not buy green bananas, but you buy them in ones and twos. It helps that the grocery store delivers. There’s that one cute delivery boy. Fifties maybe. If only I was fifty years younger…

“Oh grow up. Don’t give me that look - I may be old but I’m not dead.

“I don’t want to be buried deep underground. Fertilize my flowerbeds with my ashes.

“What time is it? And why’s it so cold…”

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Agony, Product, Occupation


“Ok people, we’ve got a missing person who needs finding. Name: Richard Kellar, age 57, 5 - 7, 185 pounds, last seen at Jackson’s Bar wearing a blue parka. Let’s get a unit there, another to his home address. It’s a cold night, so let’s get on this. Questions?”

“Occupation?”

“Salesman. Sells various products. Apparently been selling vacuum cleaners lately. Anything else?”

“Maybe a drug deal that went south?”

“Could be, although there’s no evidence he’s dealing. Get a move on people - his family is in agony that he’s disappeared.

Two months later, his body was part of a crime scene.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Deal, Family, Green


Five crime families have been operating in New York City for decades: Gambino, Lucchese, Genovese, Bonanno, and Colombo. But in the last few years, another crime family has arisen with a very different raison d’être: not financial gain, but environmental protection.

A recent spate of edits and amendments to building projects adding parks and green spaces, alternative energy production, water conservation, and other resource saving ideas shows that the Green Family (as they are rumoured to be called), is using the old idea of “deals that can’t be refused” for beneficial purposes.

Law enforcement is divided on what to do.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Listen, Drill, Skyscraper


It was rumoured that the office in a certain skyscraper had a vault filled with priceless treasures. Some thought it was precious metals and jewels, others paper currency, and still others artworks. Julian’s curiosity drove him to find out.

Five years in the planning, his break-in had gone flawlessly so far. Now he had to get passed the huge vault door and for that he had the most advanced drill he could get his hands on. One ear listening for guards, he did his work quickly. And then it was open.

A grinning genie sat waiting. “What took ya?”

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Home, Moss, Special


“I think you’ll agree the only way to appreciate this special property is by helicopter. It’s a series of buildings spread out over a 1,000 acre estate. As you can see, there are gardens, pools, and other landscaped features that connect the various buildings into a cohesive whole. For instance, that stretch of green over there is a rock and moss garden. Beautiful, isn’t it?

“As we land on the east helipad, notice the various ways to then move about the property: lazy river, bicycle, and electric cart.

“What’s that? It’s not an asking price - it’s the privilege to acquire…”

Friday, July 26, 2019

Net, Accord, Rust


Representatives from the United Planets were on the way to a meeting with the Rogue Worlds. Most of them were dubious that any progress would be made…

“Why is it we’re wasting our time chasing a deal with these irascible idiots?”

Spork, leader of the delegation (and unaware of the meaning of the word on Earth), said “We must brush off the rust on this relationship and find joint accord against the Cute Kittens (so dastardly that they’d call themselves that).”

Years later, the net effect of the meeting was to pit the Kittens against the Rogues. Spork retired happy.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Card, Cough, Cloud


Even the press event only added to the cloud that continued to envelope the upcoming fight. The two combatants, Talimbe and Prodoskevy, had harassed each other’s families, issued fake press releases under assumed names, and vandalized each other’s vehicles. To keep the peace, there were more security personnel than reporters. Every question caused both men to erupt into fake coughing fits in which they hurled insults at each other. Their card garnered more interest than the title match that capped the evening.

Before the fight, the two boxers met in private and congratulated each other for generating a big audience.

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Chat, Worst, Peg


“Handyman Hotline on FM 101.6 with your buddy Randy taking calls. Who’s on the line and how can I humiliate you today?”

“Hey Randy. Yves here…”

“Eave? Like on a roof?”

“Ah… yeah. Anyway, I was putting together something and the peg got stuck…”

“Peg? Yves… are you building something from IKEA? Because you know I do not allow questions about IKEA products.”

“IKEA? Ah… no… not IKEA…”

“Yves, what’s the worst injury you’ve sustained in your workshop. C’mon bud. Let’s chat about that finger you nearly took off with a band saw.”

“Ah… I’ve gotta go! And it’s IKEA!”

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Rotate, Disaster, Often


“There’s a small panel held with six screws. Over.”

“Spotted. Over.”

“Starting with the Robertson screw, remove them in a clockwise direction. Over.”

“Roger. Proceeding… Finished. Over.”

“Hold the plate keeping the red and green wires separate. Cut the blue wire. Over.”

“Roger. Blue wire spotted. Cutting. Over.”

“But first rotate the timing lever ninety degrees. Fuck! Hold on!”

“Holding. Damnit! Get this right, moron! If we screw up, it’ll be a disaster.”

“Sorry man. It’s written ‘do this but first do that’ way too often.”

“Deal with it. What direction do I rotate the lever?”

“Shit. It doesn’t say.”

Monday, July 22, 2019

Draw, Conquer, Performance


Timmy “Two-Tone” Timmons stood on the stage with the other contestants. His performance had been honed over weeks of practice and busking. He’d conquered, he’d slayed; the audience had gone wild. Now it was up to the judges.

The tension in the Newport High School auditorium was thick. Timmy couldn’t stop bouncing on his toes. Others on stage wrung hands, whispered with neighbours, or quietly prayed.

The squeal from the PA system brought everyone’s attention to the Head Judge. He tapped the mic, cleared his throat, and made the usual judge-like speech. Finally, he said, “It’s a draw!”

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Shingle, Prospect, Multitude


Professionals, such as accountants and attorneys, when looking to become self-employed (as opposed to working for a firm), are said to “hang up their shingle”. Once someone has gone out on their own, they become responsible for determining their own client base. Doing a good job professionally can become something of a secondary issue. The primary job becomes getting a multitude of clients and doing a reasonable job for them.

The prospects for introverted professionals is dim; the desire to market and schmooze is below what is required.

Introverted former accountants (this one anyway) find writing is more ideal.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Detail, Present, Coup


“Hello dear. Tea?”

“Ah… sure…”

A man in an expensive suit, monogramed shirt, and Rolex, sat uncertainly at the dining room table. He took in the room, including the souvenir spoon collection. An aproned matron came in, carrying a tea service.

“Cream? Sugar?”

“Look, ma’am, I…”

“Sit and sip, Mr. Bullock. I know why you’re here. You’ve come to the right place.”

He looked doubtful. “I don’t mean to insult…”

She looked over her half-glasses. “Look. It’s very simple. The coup you want to win is all in the details. Let me present the plan. Oh… I’m sorry. Sandwich?”

Friday, July 19, 2019

Plant, Consider, Metal


Four long haired, denim clad, combat boot wearing twenty somethings sit in someone’s basement. From the wood paneling, it’s probably a parents’ basement. Maybe a grandparent.

They argue, three against one. But the majority doesn’t rule here. Maybe it’s his basement.

The meeting breaks up from time to time; the four gyrating their hair together to a “song”. It’s clear these four dream of becoming metal gods.

They have the look. Now they need music. Which, frankly, is secondary.

The “bassist” speaks: “Would you at least consider not naming the band after a potted plant?”

“What’s wrong with Atomic Petunias?”

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Lamb, Bolster, Plume


Klaxons blared; a prisoner had escaped and was on the lamb. Armed guards swarmed through the hallways like ants under attack, but their chief, Colonel Brandeis, strolled to a watchtower. Lighting a cigarette, he scanned the area. The Warden, gasping for breath, joined him three minutes later.

“Warden Brown, nice of you to…”

“Are you sure about this, Colonel?”

Brandeis laughed. “I feel pretty good about…”

“It’s my ass if he gets out!”

The Warden got a pitying look. “You worry too much. Watch for the plume of smoke. The landmines we added to bolster security will be busy soon.”

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Regard, Familiar, Prostrate


Diaphanous silks swirl as her dancing body undulates in ecstatic trance. The petitioner, crowned, refuses to prostrate himself. Attending priests mutter but don’t intervene.

Strange sounds erupt from the oracle, scribes taking notes. They translate:

A board
Aboard
Abort

Rage flashes across his face. “Tell that bitch her brother commands her obedience! I want victory!”

She collapses, attendants rush to her inert form. She whispers: “Tell that overly familiar dog that pride will be his ruin. He cannot command the future. And his regard, or disregard, of me has been noted by the gods. He shall reap what’s been sown.”

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Whisk, Motion, Offer


“Mr. Chairman, I’d like to make a motion.”

Every other committee member’s head, all twelve of them, dropped.

“Steve? Really? It’s almost midnight. Can we just call it a night?”

“No! My constituents demand action on this issue and I am willing to fight until I get what I want!”

“How about I offer you five minutes to say your piece and then we table discussion until our next meeting. How’s that?”

“You just want to sweep this under the table! Whisked away! People want to know that garbage collection will happen late Sunday night and not early Monday morning!”

Doctor, Placard, Discriminate


The plan is complicated but thorough. I sit at the coffee shop window, sipping an espresso, waiting for the signal. There it is… a mohawk-sporting woman carrying a placard for gun control. Showtime.

I cross the street and join the crowd entering the subway. Descending the stairs, I avoid looking around; nothing is more suspicious than someone who appears to be looking for something. A doctor exiting the train bumps into me; a weight is added to my pocket. Feels like a 45.

Protection target acquired. Casual attitude adopted. Can I discriminate between innocent bystander and her potential assassin?

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Administer, Harbour, Floor


Commercial #3:

Setting: Pirate ship. Captain is hollering at crew from a raised deck.

“And I want the floor glittering before we pull into the harbour!”

Pull back camera to a deckhand.

“Hi, I’m Franklin Doorstop, star of your favourite soap. Why am I here? To talk about your floors.

“Even here, on a ship in the middle of the ocean, the deck (not a floor, Cap) has to withstand salt and sun, which is way tougher than teenagers, am I right?

“Wood Bright is the treatment your floors need. Just administer per the instructions, and they’ll be swimmingly great!”

Friday, July 12, 2019

Explain, Itch, Jewel


I used to go to a place, a place of teaching and learning, of explaining and understanding. It was a life line, a necessity, a raison d’être. It’s called socratic.org and finding it was life changing for me.

There was this constant itch to go to the site, to find opportunities to explain the way I understand various concepts. Even better, I’d learn new concepts, like binomial probability distributions, partitions, and other topics. Learning something new was like finding a jewel. Even better, I’d learn how to make the jewel and share the formula with others.

I miss it.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Convenience, Soda, Chips


“Tony? What are you doing?”

“Oh - hey hun! C’mon into the workshop. I think I’ve got something here.”

“Uh huh… what’s that?”

“Chips. Modular computer chips. You can lay them out like bathroom tile and they scale up. You can build your own supercomputer!”

“Uh huh… and they are sitting in…”

“Coke. I’ve tried other sodas, but the acid content in Coke is perfect. The other ingredients in there, like sugar and colouring, are a pain to deal with, but for sheer convenience, it’s great. I can buy it at the 7/11.”

“Tony? This actually works?”

“Well… in theory…”

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Portion, Quality, Utility


There are instances where a company will commit fraud. Auditors, those who verify public financial information, help uncover fraud.

A cheese factory might have their milk inventory verified. A utility would probably have their tanks of fuel measured. A vineyard would certainly have the volume and quality of wine being produced measured.

But how can the type of wine be checked? When chianti became popular, producers began importing grapes of all types and slapping a chianti label on the bottle. In some shipments of grapes, the only portion that was chianti were the leaves sprinkled on the fruit by importers.

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Hard, Docile, Talent


I have a talent. Most people don’t think it’s a talent, but they don’t appreciate how hard it is to do. I bet you want to know what it is. I’ll tell you, but not yet. You have to wait.

You have to sit there and read this. Perhaps stop for a second and wonder what it is. Ask someone close by what they think it might be. Maybe make a small bet.

Consider the possibilities. Ponder. Imagine. Think.

Have a guess?

Do you care?

But can you put this down?

Feeling leaden? Docile? Placid?

And now you know it.

Monday, July 8, 2019

Fix, Porous, Zero


“I know this isn’t built perfect, but can you fix it?”

“So let me get this straight. You built this house?”

“Yes.”

“And you laid the foundation.”

“Yup!”

“You used limestone.”

“Yessir. I googled it and limestone is a wonderful building material.”

“Some are. The one you used? Not so much.”

“What?”

“Look - as we’ve been standing here in your basement, I’ve been watching water pour in. The walls’re porous! Nothing’s keeping water on the right side of the walls. There’s zero chance I can fix this without this costing you seriously big money.”

“You can fix it?”

“Geez… yeah…”

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Leaf, Brother, Royal


“Not doing it Mrs. Jenkins.”

“Jason? We talked about this. You’ll be playing Pan, god of the wild, and you have to look the part.”

“Still not doing it.”

“This is important. Pan is half-goat, half-man. The costume has to show that - wooly leggings, bare chested, goat horns worn like he’s royal.”

“Not. Doing. It.”

“You’ll be the star of the show. You get to play a flute. You… oh brother… fine. George, will you do it?”

“Yes, Mrs. Jenkins.”

“Good. Jason? You’ll be a tree. The costume is leaves.”

“No. Fine… I’ll do…”

“Like hell you will!”

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Centre, Discord, Press


Press… Lift… Press… Lift…

The marriage between Bart and Magnolia had brought their two families together, in the same way gasoline and fire go together. To say there was discord was an understatement. And ground zero, the centre of the trouble, was the relationship between the two proud matrons of the warring families. The dinner tonight was intended to bring some… if not peace, then clarity to the relationship.

The sugar cookies Bart’s grandmother was making were going to make a splash, she was sure: Magnolia depicted as a whore. Bart might not be happy, but he’ll get over it.

Friday, July 5, 2019

Ox, Leotard, Piñata


“My daughter was on stage. I was in the audience. She was so cute, dancing, in a pink leotard. Then her classmates joined her, even the boys, even the teacher, all in leotards. They joined hands and danced in a circle as a piñata dropped from the ceiling, singing a Beatles tune. Then a crash off-stage; they all turned, screamed, and ran off the other way. A fake ox came out - it was two boys. They bowed and the curtain closed. What does it mean, doctor?”

Dr. Joyce looked over her notepad. “That you should lay off the NyQuil.”

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Nurture, Spoken, Bend


“My ability to bend spoons? It’s a talent I developed, being far more ‘nurture’ than ‘nature', you see. It requires focus. It used to require the spoken word, but now I can do it simply by harnessing the mental faculties that, to be honest, we all possess, but only a few utilize to their fullest. You can’t now, but I can teach you.

“Some may balk at the price. I understand. I don’t care about the money and I’d rather not charge. But the laws of the Universe require a sacrifice in exchange for power.”

And I need another mansion…

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Gradual, Direction, Foremost


“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Which way we goin’?”

“That way.”

“What direction is that?”

“That way. Be right back - gotta breach and catch my breath.“

“How’s the blow hole?”

“Meh. Got crustaceans crawling around up there.”

“So… where we goin’?”

“That way. Gradual turn coming up. Then we’ll go that way for a while.”

“How do you keep track of how to get to where we’re goin’?”

“GPS.”

“Really?”

“No. I just go that way until I don’t want to.”

*****

Dr. Rufus Redman, the foremost researcher into humpback whales, listened to the whale song recording, trying to understand what was being said.

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Stop, Thaw, Host


The 1950s-style documentary film started with the standard trumpet fanfare, then the voiceover:

“In this most modern of battleships, the USS New Jersey, good cooking practices must be followed, just like in the finest of restaurants.

“This evening, the ship’s captain will host a dinner for dignitaries, including the governor of the namesake’s state. Part of that dinner will be shrimp cocktails.

“Or will it? Uh oh. Someone forgot to properly thaw the large blocks of shrimp it will take to feed the attendees. But what are the cooks doing? Thawing improperly. Stop! Food poisoning is sure to follow.”

Monday, July 1, 2019

Group, Close, Helicopter


“911 operator, what is the nature of your emergency?”

“My name is Donald Donaldson, Sr and…”

“Senior, sir? Shouldn’t that be junior?”

“No, it shouldn’t! My wife and I were part of a group tour…”

“Are you sure sir? Because with your surname being “Donaldson”… ya know…”

“Look! My wife fell out of the helicopter…”

“What’s her name, sir? “

“… the door didn’t close properly and she fell…”

“Sir? I’m trying to help you but I need to know her name, sir.”

“Donella. Her name is Donella. Look, you need to call the coast guard…”

“Is this funny, sir? Is it?”