Obscure, Late, Cure

With young people, there is a trend, a fad, to wear toques daily, regardless of the weather. There is an obscure term for a lover of hats - kapelophile - kapel deriving from the Latin word for a hood or hat. Extending this, a lover of toques would therefore be a toqueophile.

I’ve wondered why someone would want to wear a winter hat in late summer but have never found a good answer. Is it a form of madness? Is there a cure for it? Should there be?

I’d scratch my head in wonderment, but my toque is in the way.

Organize, Usurp, Parental

Mrs. Davidson had asked for the meeting with Principal Skinner about the 8th grade Health class curriculum. She was concerned about a recent class discussion about sexually transmitted infections. As a mom, she said, she didn’t think an 8th grader should be exposed to chlamydia. And the principal said that he felt the same way, which is why class discussions talk about sex and the repercussions, including health risks of having unprotected sex. Mrs. Davidson didn’t understand that the principal was being clever with his language.

Mrs. Davidson vowed to organize a protest against having her parental authority being usurped.

Scream, Absolve, Yellow

That AC Milan’s star striker, Popu, had been injured during a hard tackle was undeniable. He’d screamed in pain as his right shin had gone in two different directions; TV audiences had gotten a closeup of the wince-inducing event. That Juventus’ star defender, Pupo, had been given a yellow card for the foul was also not in question. What was in question, by the FIFA panel, was whether to absolve the referee of sanctions against him for not giving a red card to the player.

After subpoenaing his bank records and seeing the large deposit, FIFA fired the referee.

Mark, Umbrella, Freeze

“Mark my words, he’ll regret rejecting my advice.”

So said Joe’s mom to herself as he dashed out the door to catch the bus but left the suggested umbrella behind.

On the bus, Joe’s friends looked at the clear sky then asked him, “Joe! Did your mom want you to bring the umbrella today?”

“Of course she did. Hell will freeze over before I take it to school.”

His friends laughed. “Will you bring it on a day that actually looks like it might rain?”

“No way, man. Not ever. I hate umbrellas! Give me a hat any rainy day.”

Coffee, Report, Alarm

Mick sat in his chair, Chief Engineer for the Richmond Nuclear Power Plant, holding his mug full of hot coffee (four sugars, double cream). Closing his eyes, smelling the java-infused steam, anticipating the sweet taste, he raised the mug to his lips...

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH….

The warning klaxon blared, scaring the crap out of Mick, who sent a mouthful of coffee spraying everything around him. As he jumped up, trying to understand what was happening, more klaxons blared, more red lights flashed, more metres (as he started to take them in) showed readings in the red.

“Shut it the fuck down!”

Temperature, Legal, Succulent

Every afternoon, the temperature holds steady above 40C/104F. And so every afternoon, I reach for a juicy orange the size of a small soccer ball from the refrigerator.

I’ll take a knife to make the first small cut into the skin, then let my fingers peel away. The atomized juice sprays, coating my hands. The clean smell of orange fills my nostrils. My mouth waters in anticipation.

I take a giant section and bite into it. The succulent fruit splits open, flooding my mouth with delicious flavour. Is it legal to enjoy eating a piece of fruit this much?

Picture, Rate, Several

In a shocking breach of trust, Ernie took and posted several photos of Bert sleeping and drooling on his pillow onto Facebook. The pictures had garnered several hundred laughing emojis and were threatening to go viral.

Bert began to figure out something was up when he began to get instant messages calling him Drooler. After the fourteenth message, Bert yelled “Ernie!!!”

Ernie, meanwhile, was stifling laughter. He added to the thread started by the photos with a survey request, asking people to rate just how funny this new prank was. So far he had an average of 4.7 stars. 

Slum, Severe, Ascend

The Global Financial Disaster of 2109 had hit everyone hard. The world’s wealthiest became oligarchs, while everyone else lost everything. And now, twenty years later, things have only gotten worse.

I live in an apartment ten floors up, in a slum that was formerly a prosperous city. There’s no electricity to operate the elevator, so after my 12-hour shift at work, I have to ascend the stairs. The days when I have groceries to carry are good ones; sometimes I don’t have enough money to eat.

Crime is punished severely, but for many it’s the only way to survive.

Minute, Consult, Breeze

The facilities team at CERN, the largest facility in the world studying the most minute of particles, had a problem. Somehow, a rogue air pressure differential, otherwise known as a “breeze”, had swept through what was supposed to be an airtight chamber. The experiment that had been underway was ruined.

The operations manual was consulted. It advised a complete overhaul of several exhaust fans, work that would take several weeks due to the complexity of getting to those fans.

Dr. Brown, head of facilities, cursed softly. “Give me a minute to get ready before I have to face the press.”

Silly, Blister, Obvious

“Well that just blisters my ass!”

My aunt has a way with words.

We’d been watching a documentary, made to try to bring attention to a terrible situation. Yesterday, we watched a different documentary on a different situation, but same reason for being made. And tomorrow we’ll watch another. It may sound silly, and it may be obvious that people can be terrible to other people, but we felt the need to learn more about injustice.

We get upset, we cry, we wonder why the world has to be so nasty sometimes.

Our education is painful but, more importantly, enlightening.

Mop, Question, Draft

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap zzzzzziiiipp

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap zzzzziiiippp

“Frank, can I ask you a question?”

“Mmm hmm”

“What are you typing?”

“A story that addresses the fundamental questions of Life, the Universe, and Everything.”

“Err… Frank?”

“Mmm hmm”

“That’s been done.”

“Oh. Has it? Well… this is only a draft. It’ll be fine."

“Oh.”

“The main character is named Archie Bent. He travels the galaxy, has amusing adventures, and pays his way by being a janitor on spaceships.”

“Frank?”

“He mops across the Universe! That’s the subtitle.”

“No, Frank. Just no.”

Engagement, Lopsided, Bloom

Major Murphy sat in his makeshift headquarters pondering his options. His company had been cut off from the battalion and was in danger of being completely eliminated. He needed a lopsided victory and needed it soon, otherwise the next engagement would be the last.

He hit upon a possible plan; put a squad into a retreat posture and hope it would draw the enemy into an ambush. It might not get them reconnected to the larger army, but it might give them some breathing room.

Corporal Walker came running into the room. “Sir! Our bombers on the horizon!”

Hope bloomed.

Pierce, Mush, Towel

A tattoo needle pierces skin anywhere from 50 to 3000 times per second. This knowledge alone can turn the strongest looking biker into a gibbering pile of mush. I find it exciting; a rush of power with the needle gun in my hand.

Just as the artist with the brush will paint a canvas, I paint on flesh. But a canvas doesn’t flinch, doesn’t pull away. The struggle to endure is paramount, enduring the transformation. Be strong, my lovely, we have a long way to travel together.

We start with washing my hands and drying with a clean towel.

Ready?

Skull, Follow, Sea

Captain Northwich’s log

HMS Adventure

August 12, 1721

We continue to pursue the pirate Black Jack Goughm on a course that will bring us to the Florida Keys within three days. While we are able to make up distance during the day, he sails recklessly at night to attempt escape. Given that the noose awaits him and his crew, this is understandable.

We shall follow this blasted pirate if we must carry this ship from the sea to land to sea again. The skull and crossbones he flew so proudly two days ago shall never fly again. This I vow.

Svelte, Assumption, Aside

Aragorn’s assumption to King of Gondor was wonderful at first. But the lustre quickly dimmed.

For much of his life, Strider (as he was known in the north) had lived a relatively solitary existence. Now he couldn’t go anywhere without a security detail. Gone was the fresh air of the wilderness. Now, the smoke of every single fire in the city below engulfed the castle. He couldn’t even exercise to stay lean and svelte - no one dared to cross swords with him.

Aside from defeating Sauron, what had he done with his life? Nothing that required the suffocation of kingship.

Atmosphere, Gracious, Harmony

“The world of movie and video scoring has a new wunderkind, SawTooth. His work, using dissonant harmony and gloomy atmospheres, takes listeners into the darkest depths of personal psychological horror. His music has been described as a mix of Skrillex and Nine Inch Nails. It’s a devastatingly haunting experience.”

This latest review, by Rolling Stone, was printed out and pinned up on the bulletin board mounted over her elaborate keyboard set up, a gracious gift from a rich, now dead, relative. Sarah Tuttle, aged 14, enjoyed fooling the world with her SawTooth bio and the music she created and shared. 

Tea, Split, Trust

“Split tea? What the hell is split tea?”

“No grandma. Split pea. With a “P”.”

“No need to shout at me, young lady. My hearing might be going but I’m not deaf.”

“Of course you aren’t grandma.”

“Don’t patronize me, Josie. You may think my mind is going, but I’m still sharp.”

“Of course you are grandma. The soup will be done soon.”

“I won’t eat it. I have no trust in your cooking skills. Why aren’t you married?”

“This is your recipe!”

“The recipe is good but the chef isn’t.”

*****

Josie’s grandmother was always a joy to entertain.

Smokey, Release, Pie

It was March 14th. Many people called it “pie day” because the date was the first three digits of pi: 3.14. For Brian, a pastry chef-in-training, it was pie day every day.

This year, he decided to make a pineapple pie. It was unusual, sure, but there were two “pi’s” in the name. He figured that his pie would help release the preconceived notion that pineapple pie wouldn’t be good.

And it might have been, only it turns out that pineapples cook far faster than he’d anticipated. Opening the oven door, a sweet, smokey plume enveloped his face. 

Quiet, Scissors, Decorum

Victoria, Emilio’s Chief Assistant, brought the new hire on to the design floor where Emilio was working.

“Emilio is intense. You must remain still and quiet. When he asks for tools, he’s imperious like a surgeon. He’ll ask for scissors and pins and you must be quick with them.”

Emma’s first day on the staff of the brilliant clothing designer, Emilio Lopez, was already a learning experience. He demanded that a high standard of decorum be kept on the design floor. But that professional attitude played well with his rich clients and gave Emilio room to work his creativity.

“Scissors!”

Solve, Pleasant, Beyond

“It’s nice enough, you know? Pleasant. But just no… pizzazz, you know?”

What does this woman want?, thought Maxine. She’d been showing house after house in the neighbourhood. But there was only so much you could do in a tight real estate market and a budget that was… not pitifully small, but certainly a number that put most houses beyond her reach. Beer wages and champagne taste, this one. She didn’t know how to solve the disparity.

“Do you have one with maybe a better view? And a patio?”

Maxine began to plan dumping this client onto a junior realtor. 

Battery, Couple, Neglect

The park ranger had us climb the last few steps up and into what looked simply like a concrete circle. The San Francisco skyline was off to the left with the ocean and its fierce breeze directly ahead of us.

“This is the foundation of an anti-ship battery. It was built in the early days of Word War II in case the Japanese tried to invade. There are a couple more of these close by. They’re slowly wearing away from the weather and neglect. But there’s no money to preserve them.”

I didn’t really care. The view was beautiful.

Lemon, Grovel, Wild

Anthony Steele crouched low in the bush. He had a camera set up, ready to snap the picture that would propel his career to the next level.

Sipping lemon-infused water and chewing beef jerky, he sat poised and ready to capture the rare Wikka Wikka bird. He swore he was prepared to wait for as long as it took.

Three days later, and with no Wikka Wikka bird, Anthony was grovelling, praying to any entity that would listen, to bring his desired quarry into frame.

On a tree above Anthony, a Wikka Wikka bird prepared to shit on him.

Wash, Double, Operate

“Nah shure wha happen-dah. Eeh waz fine, then, kaput.”

Dr. Williamson’s latest operation hadn’t gone well.

She was at home, alone, talking to her double in the bathroom mirror. She’d thought a shower, to wash off the day, would help. A short trip to the liquor cabinet before hitting the shower had turned into a very long visit, opening bottle after bottle, swigging back spirits, trying to find the one she wanted to drain. Tequila. Definitely tequila.

She didn’t get the toilet lid open before she was violently sick. She collapsed in waves of tears and vomited alcohol. 

Will, Note, Clerk

During my time as a clerk for Justice Prudence Weaver, I worked my ass off. Questions came before the court on important matters such as Privacy vs. Security, Individual Will vs the Common Good, Freedom of Religion vs Equality, and many more. It was a busy year and I learned a lot.

I also learned that Prudence would try to influence other justices during oral arguments by passing notes. I ran them to other justices. The faces of the recipients would sometimes reflect humour, or anger, but never disinterest.

Justice Weaver passed last month, but her legacy will live on.

Water, Seam, Hotel

It was a dark and stormy night.

No, really, it was.

Angry clouds dumped walls of water. Puddles the size of swimming pools were too much for the seams of my shoes. Not that my Italian leather shoes were built for rain at all.

Let’s not mention my lack of any sort of overcoat. Or umbrella. I hoped my suit would survive the onslaught.

My car had broken down during a ferocious storm on a relatively deserted road. There was no choice but to walk for help. The first opportunity I’d have was a hotel about three miles away.

Associate, Massive, Expedite

The conference was weeks away, but Prof. Milhouse was very concerned he wouldn’t be ready to make his keynote presentation.

Phyllis, his long-time graduate student, had come down with a severe case of “I’ve got better things to do than this shit” and so he’d been forced to rely on a series of untested and probably unreliable undergraduates.

The dataset he had to work with was massive and the work had to be expedited so that he could analyze the results properly and associate them to previous findings from other researchers.

He wondered if Einstein had had this problem.

Steam, Kennel, Locate

On the mining station Europa IV, drug trafficking was out of control. Illegal drugs passed hands freely in the black market. It was Sam’s job to locate and destroy them.

Sam had been trained as a drug-sniffer from a very early age in the kennel. His nose had discovered drugs hidden in all sorts of ways coming on to the station. He was the prize of the drug interdiction department and the bane of the rest of the station.

A hot anonymous tip could mean a big drug haul or a sabotaged steam line rigged to kill him.

Lather, Mature, Unnecessary

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Really?

At some point, as we become more mature, or perhaps as proof that we are becoming more mature, we start to question what it is that we were taught. We also start arguing with instructions on things, like shampoo bottles.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. How completely unnecessary is the “repeat” part of that? Completely completely unnecessary, I say! And in so saying, I feel like I’ve just defeated a way that the shampoo company is trying to bleed me of money.

I just can’t celebrate too wildly, like with a little dance. Wet shower floors are slippery.

Ink, School, Spur

What does it take for a herd of mustangs to be “wild”? Is it simply that they are able to gallop free across the plains? Or is it more?

Mike wanted to push the envelope of wildness. It was what spurred him on. And so, despite the fact there is no textbook, no school, he decided to start tattooing his buddies.

His first attempt went well. Gripping sharp sticks between his hooves and dipping them into red clay, he managed to ink a skull and crossbones along the side of Ralph, the same horse who would deliberately eat fermented fruit.

Holistic, Crayon, Whip

She methodically cleaned the whip and put it away. Each of her tools was given careful and professional attention so that they would be available for her use for years to come.

To her clients, her name was Doctor Dominatrix. She viewed herself as a type of holistic healer, helping people who needed her type of treatment to find freedom from long-held demons.

She changed clothes and checked her watch. As usual, she was bang-on time.

Twenty minutes later she pulled into the school’s parking lot. Her daughter came running over to her, holding her latest crayon drawing.

Serenade, Boost, Nod

Jack and Jill went up the hill, that much we know.

Jack had to give Jill a boost to get to the picnic spot he’d laid out in secret hours before. The view was picturesque.

Without Jill noticing, Jack gave a nod to someone hidden close by. A mandolin serenade floated up.

Jack asked Jill to stand, then fell to one knee, professing his love for her. Reaching into his bag, he took out his crown and broke it, thus symbolically leaving the royal family in favour for the love of a commoner.

Jill’s dream of silk dresses was shattered.