A Snail's Tale

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

Prompts = Equinox, Escargot, Escape

“C’mon family! Not far now!”

I’m lying, of course; everything’s far away when you’re a snail. That whole “snail’s pace” thing? Totally true. But I have to encourage my family, all 800 of us, to safety.

It struck me as I lay in my comfy shell (my one for work chafes, but it suits the suits) that the transiting of the Sun was the reason for the Great Turkey Invasion twice yearly. The Equinox, it turns out, turns innocent snails into tasty escargot for hungry birds. We’re escaping the slaughters and moving somewhere safer.

Maybe turtles will be better neighbours.

Leased Car Blues

Photo by Ante Hamersmit on Unsplash

Prompts = Little, Course, Lease

Over the course of the three years I leased my car from the dealership, things happened to the car: a ding here, a bump there. It was never anything big, always little stuff, like that one time the oil light came on and I forgot to go to the shop for like a week. Like I said, little stuff.

You wouldn’t have guessed that when I returned the car at lease end. The list of supposed damages and needed repairs ran six pages! Crazy long!

So I refused to pay. I’d show them.

What did they do? They sued me!

Who Gazes Back?

Photo by Liam Welch on Unsplash

Prompts = Describe, Window, Clothes

“Doctor Brenzinger, gaze into the eyes of this woman and describe what you see.”

Brenzinger did as his colleague asked, then stepped back, puzzled. “Is this some trick, Doctor Wrongle?”

“And how, my dear fellow, would I pull something like that off?”

It’s said the eyes are the windows to the soul. Currently, peering into Madame Margot’s is literally like looking through a window and seeing a room beyond, where a figure, dressed in clothes considered fashionable several centuries ago, looks back at you.

Margot, a patient at St. Chad’s Hospital for Really Weird Cases, sits, catatonic, mentally locked away.

Forbidden Love

Prompts = Alter, Porcupine, Moustache

I know it’s forbidden love. Maybe that adds to the allure, I don’t know. But when I’m with her, it’s magical. Angels sing, the stars halt in their flowing across the sky to watch, it’s all that and more. 

She feels the same about me too; she told me while we held each other gently, tenderly. We leaned into each other, ready to kiss… then pulled away: spines poked my paws and the whiskers of my moustache poked her nose. 

I’m a cat, she’s a porcupine. We’ll have to alter how we interact to make this work, but it will. 

Snack Bag Snafu

Prompts = Episode, Laxative, Positive

Photo by Tetiana Bykovets on Unsplash

Don’t ask me how it happened; me, suffering intestinal cramps, trying to go fast, my body not cooperating, in the middle of Star Wars, Episode 1. This does not bode well for lasting through the other eight movies. To make matters worse, my date is waiting (probably) patiently (I hope) for me in the theatre.

Ok, so I know how it happened, but don’t ask me how it is that it happened. I’m positive that made no sense whatsoever. What I mean to say is I have no idea how the chocolate-flavoured laxative ended up in my snack bag.

Good and Not Good

Prompts = Who, Good, Boy

Photo by Parker Gibbons on Unsplash

“Hey Steve.”

“Hey Mike. You good?”

“All good. You?”

“Good.

“Good.”

“Hey, how’s your girl?”

“Who?”

“Who? Sally, remember? She good?”

“Nah. No good. Called me a good-for-nothing a while back, so I broke up with her.”

“A while back? Were you dropped on your head as a kid? You guys were together yesterday!”

“Uh… yeah. I haven’t told her yet.”

“Boy oh boy! She’s talking marriage and you’ve unilaterally ended things? That’s messed up.”

“Maybe I can break it off by text.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Or you can do it.”

“No good. By text it is.”

Midnight Madness?

Prompts = Midnight, Appeal, Bridge

Photo by Henry & Co. on Unsplash

What’s the appeal of staying up late? Where lies the attraction in watching the sun set and then rise hours later? Does the darkness somehow feed the soul? Is it exciting?

Are they vampires?

I am an early bird. My day begins with dawn and ends at dusk. Never am I awake at midnight or my phone ring because friends want to know when I’ll make an appearance at a hot new club.

I’d far rather make an appearance at a retirement home where senior citizens teach bridge. At 9am.

The sun is setting and my head is drooping. Goodnight.

Home Birth

Prompts = Fetal, Companion, Fraternal

Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

He didn’t know it was called a fetal heart monitor so he called it the “beep beep machine”. The nurse said that it beeped each time his soon-to-be-born little brother’s heart beat.

His parents had sat him down one day and told him about a new baby brother coming into the house. And something about a companion for life. He didn’t understand that part; his parents liked big words. But he did understand “home birth”.

Today was the day.

So he waited and listened. Much later, he heard something about “fraternal twins”. He’d have to ask later.

Teenage Eating Machine

Prompts = Family, Predication, Famished

Photo by Ernest Brillo on Unsplash

Tommy, my erstwhile teenage eating machine, had repeated growth spurts, apparently fuelled by continual raids on the kitchen. I sat him down to explain how it was inappropriate to eat at all hours.

“But I’m famished!”, he declared in his defence.

“That’s as may be, but we as a family require daily sustenance and meal planning is predicated upon the reasonable assumption that the necessary ingredients are available when required.”

“Yeah? But I’m hungry!”

Sadly, that was the most productive part of the conversation.

A solution was reached, however, when a separate pantry was created for his use.

Problem solved.

The King and the Duck

Prompts = Wall, Quack, Obliterate

Photo by Ross Sokolovski on Unsplash

I play to win. And by “win”, I mean obliterate anything in my way. Winners are the only ones worth anything. At age sixteen, I’m king of the neighbourhood and my high school. There’s nothing I can’t do.

However, I’m not currently there; my family packed me off to my country cousins for some fresh air. I think they meant for themselves, not me.

Anyway, my cousins are watching as I run down a certain duck that will be dinner tomorrow. I’ve got it trapped against a wall; that waddling quack box will be got good soon.

Ah! They bite!

Crazy Cozy Lady

Prompts = Ketchup, Crochet, Went

Photo by delfi de la Rua on Unsplash

I suppose I’d call myself a bit eccentric and a crazy cat lady, but never pure crazy. My ungrateful children think my mind went long ago.

They point to my thirteen felines and shake their heads. I have the time and resources to care for them all.

But mostly they disapprove of other things, like my crocheted cozies for glass-bottled goods; I dropped a bottle of ketchup years ago, cut myself on the glass, sauce and blood everywhere. Won’t happen again, I tell you.

My mind’s solid and I’ll be on this Earth for a good long time.

A Theft Of Blue

Prompts = Cop, Dramatic, Cheese

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

“Barnabas! Gather the staff! There’s been a theft!”

“Yes, madam?”

“A theft, Barnabas! Here!”

“The refrigerator, madam?”

“Yes, Barnabas! A wedge of Roquefort has mysteriously disappeared! There is a thief among us!”

“May I suggest that you are tending towards the dramatic regarding this supposed theft?”

“Dramatic? Me? Barnabas, I am being reasonable in not consulting the constabulary!”

“Madam, please remember the last time the police were called. They weren’t amused. I… hello, young Malcolm. May I help you?”

“Nah, I’m good. Just here for another wedge of blue cheese. Hey ma. Calling the cops again?”

“Barnabas? Never mind.”

The Unnecessary Consultant

Prompts = Ramp, Coriander, Frontal

Photo by Hybrid on Unsplash

“Thanks everyone for making time for this meeting. This is Edgar. I owed him a favour, so here he is.”

“Hello everyone! I’m here to ramp up production at Brian’s Balloonery and…”

“It’s Brad. Brad’s Balloonery.”

“But your name’s Brian.”

“Brian was the prior owner.”

“Well that’s a problem right there! I think we should break up into brainstorming teams to solve this. Ok — you four — form a group. First thing, pick a team colour.”

“Edgar?”

“Red indicates anger, Mauve is squishy. Go with Coriander. Mysterious. Smells good.”

“Edgar?”

“And your team name. Go with Full Frontal.”

“Edgar! Get out!”

The Sims On Folgers

Prompts = Pathetic, Virtual, Coffee

“I’m big into the Sims. You know the Sims, right? That game where you play God with the lives of all these virtual characters. With different mods, you can set up different situations. I’ve got them all.

“So they came out with this new one: Coffee Time. I didn’t want to wait for the reviews to come out, so I bought it, loaded it, and looked forward to the antics while everyone was crocked on caffeine.

“But it was pathetic! It must have been sponsored by Folgers; that’s all anyone drank, even in coffee shops!

“I returned it next day.”

Age-Based Culture Clash

Prompts = Age, Reason, Tell

Fi wasn’t sure what to expect: this was the first social gathering with her new husband’s family. Her being Thai and him Canadian, she knew socializing had to be different than within her family. She’d studied some reality television to try to prepare, but maybe things wouldn’t be like The Real Housewives?

One of the first things she’d need to do is find out everyone’s age and tell hers to younger family members; age-based respect being vital, at least in Buddhist households. Her husband told her not to but she reasoned he didn’t understand the ways of women.

Disguise, Gigantic, Mauve

Detective Robert Smith was a no-nonsense, by-the-book detective. His impeccable yet conservative fashion sense was the envy of his boss. Which may be why he was put on a select team.

A drug ring, operating within a travelling circus, needed to be infiltrated. Smith went undercover. As a clown.

His white-painted happy face, gigantic fuzzy orange wig, multi-coloured jumpsuit, and gigantic mauve shoes (not red) were the talk of the office. He even made balloon animals.

After the operation ended, Smith needed a bit of colour in his outfit daily. And he smiled more.

Scale, Destitute, Process

Cheryl sat at her speed dating table, notebook in hand, watching as her first five-minute “date” sat down. As she finished greeting him, he said, “Give me the quick and dirty. What do you do for a living?”

And immediately she felt stupid. How could she not have seen this question coming? She stumbled through an explanation of working for the Federal Reserve Bank, of designing processes to evaluate the scale of wealth, from Bill Gates down to the most destitute, stratifying those results, and reporting to various agencies.

“Cool. Time’s up. Gotta go.”

The next “date” sat down.

Logic, Repeat, Serum

It’s claimed that Einstein once claimed that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. This implies that being insane is an undesired thing. But if you fail to achieve results repeatedly when sane, perhaps the opposite is needed.

Who knew that logic would set me on this path, much as it did to my grandsire, Dr. Jekyll?

The IV in my arm will deliver a serum that, if successful, will open my mind. The fortress of Rationality will collapse, allowing the winds of Irrationality to blow free.

I’m ready. Commence.