Thursday, February 28, 2019

Complication, Begun, Elephant


Eunice the elephant’s delivery had begun. Unfortunately, there was a complication; her baby was in danger of suffocating which in turn threatened Eunice’s life.

Janice, the large-animal vet, was given an update on Eunice’s status. The baby was caught in the umbilical cord and it needed to be untangled. Everyone in the room knew what needed to be done - the elephant in the room was that Janice would need to reach inside Eunice and if her arms couldn’t reach, she’d have to go in deeper. Potentially much deeper.

“Time to suit up!” Janice laughed. Everyone else looked uncomfortable.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Train, Mock, Arcane


The train to Hogwarts was full of teenage students, both new and returning. Like teenagers everywhere, these ones were trash talking, mocking the looks, intelligence, and abilities of those they hated, or were jealous of, or didn’t even really know. But these insults were full of arcane references.

“Hey! Blunder Guts! You gonna vomit up whirly worms again this term?”

“What’s it to you, Troll Nose?”

*****

“Let’s just say she’s uglier than a gargoyle’s ass!”

“Who’s ass you talking about, swamp fart?

*****

“Slytherin rules, Gryffindor drools!”

“Snape killed someone last year and I hear he has it out for you.”

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Broke, Slope, Kick


Steve’s friends figured he needed a kick in the ass. Or perhaps more like a gentle push.

Steve looked over the edge of the mogul slope, calculating the odds of living through the experience. He was a decent skier, but moguls were a very different animal.

“Steve, just go for broke! Do it man!”

Mike was trying to convince Steve to give the ski run a try. Meanwhile, Joe was sneaking up from behind.

“Don’t want to break. Broken isn’t sexy.” Steve was getting ready to ski away.

Joe, meanwhile, gave the anticipated push. “See ya at the bottom Steve!”

Monday, February 25, 2019

Knot, Not, Naught


It had all been for naught. Not that she cared. He knew that now.

He’d had a crush on her ever since that first time she’d gotten on the bus. She had a smile that could melt ice cubes. Everyone liked her. He had hoped she liked him too.

Stomach in knots, he’d screwed up his courage and gotten off at her stop so that he could talk to her. But she didn’t notice him as she ran home.

He just stood there, watching the bus receding into the distance, his friends laughing.

Third-grade puppy love is hard.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Style, Frizzle, Grit


On the set of True Grit, John Wayne was treated like a god. He pretended not to notice. It wasn’t within his style to acknowledge how he was worshipped. It would interfere with his swagger.

He was the classic cowboy tough guy. His image was of a man who could out-survive anyone on the frontier, could out-work anyone on the prairie. He was Popeye without the spinach addiction.

Everyone on the set worked hard to make sure his look matched the myth he embodied.

No one, however, worked harder than the hairdresser. His hair was a frizzle nightmare.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Local, Strenuous, Absurd


Dick was a cynic. Tell him that strenuous exercise was good for you, he’d insist it wasn’t. Tell him that proper nutrition was vital, he’d say “not so”. Demonstrate how supporting the local community was good, he’d flatly deny it. Arguing with him was an absurd notion. Banging your head against a wall would bring more satisfaction than talking to him about anything.

Dick’s long-suffering wife, when confronted by complaints against her husband, was a passionate advocate for him. She insisted that he was a genius, able to eviscerate anyone’s misbegotten beliefs.

The truth was, Dick believed in nothing.

Two, Four, Challenge


“Mike, run straight up four steps, then go right. I’ll hit you there.”

Columbus Street was known for its pick-up touch-football games. They used a Nerf ball - it didn’t fly as far but didn’t hurt when catching it. Or getting beaned in the head like had happened last play.

Today, some older kids had challenged the neighbourhood kids to a game. The older kids were taller but there was a two-to-one advantage in numbers for the younger kids. So far the score was even.

The game would go on until they got called in for dinner.

Thursday, February 21, 2019

Mist, Blame, Asset


Croatian drug kingpin, Vukodlak (in English, “The Werewolf”) sat with his chief accountant, Brojevi  (in English, “Numbers”). The books had irregularities.

Brojevi blamed Vukodlak’s nephew, Skriven (in English, “Hidden”), who’d been named as Brojevi’s assistant. He’d tried to keep an eye on his unasked for and unwanted assistant, but clearly he’d missed things.

“You know why they call me Vukodlak, Brojevi?”

“Because you are half man and half wolf.”

“No. I am all wolf in human skin. You never believed. Now you will.”

Brojevi’s screams were cut short. Shortly after, the full moon shone through a pulsing red mist.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Presents, Presence, Mulberry


Madam Margot’s last seance hadn’t gone well; a fop had gone insane and the other participants, all well-healed and influential, had blamed her. She was unaware of what had happened, other than she’d entered a trance deeper than she ever had before and when she’d come out of it, there’d been chaos.

She was camped outside of a small town where no one knew her. While out gathering burdock, she smelled a brimstone presence, which said “My Lord presents you with the gift of knowledge. Mulberry mixed with cream will win you favour with the trading caravan due tomorrow.”

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Spare, Elegant, Plenty


“Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

I was stopped at a light, impatient for it to change so I could be on my way. And here was this joker, driving a small Honda, asking in all earnestness if I had any fancy French mustard to spare. I didn’t have time for this.

“Sure”, I replied. “Do you want the Classic or the Country variety?”

The driver looked surprised. “You have both?”

“Fuck yeah. I’m an elegant guy. Plenty to spare.”

“I’d like the…”

Thankfully the light changed. I raced off before I had to listen any more nonsense.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Pastel, Bliss, Store


On the days when his parents were due to be out of the house for a few hours, Bruce would grab the ladder from the garage in order to get into the attic and look at his dad’s old Playboys.

Aside from those old magazines, and the Christmas decorations, the attic was full of items and old memories. Senior yearbooks and tassels - the bliss of never needing to attend school again.  A pastel shirt and cardigan combo with the store tags still on them - a relic of a bygone decade with no hope of ever being worn. And much more.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Environment, Coke, Alternate


Glen Morgan, CEO of Coal, Inc., took a wheezing breath before he continued his defence of the production of coke.

“Coke is purified coal. There are very few impurities in coke and so it makes for better steel. Bottom line, there is no alternate material that will make quality steel.”

The reporter leaned in.

“So how do you respond to those who say that the mining of coal is a disaster to the environment. And the pollution concerns of making the coke?”

Glen rolled his eyes.

“So what do you propose? Stop using steel?”

“But isn’t the environment more important?”

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Gargoyle, Inspect, Health


Gary the Gargoyle Diary, 2/16

Another day of appearing to lunge out from the eaves of this building. I can’t turn around so I have no idea what building it is, but it must be important if they put me here.  Whoever “they” are.

A man came by today to inspect a colleague. I believe his health, my colleague’s not the man’s, might be failing. I believe the man will be by tomorrow with a bucket of plaster. Hoping Scary Steve feels well soon.

Meanwhile I pick up the slack. Hoping the overtime I’m working will be worth it.

Friday, February 15, 2019

Hygge, Relief, Starlight


The Starlight Motel & Lounge, located off Highway 37 in Somewhere, USA, was a rundown relic of 1950s auto travel. Its 52 rooms suffered from cold, damp, and mold. The accompanying miniature golf course was overgrown, rotting, and weatherworn.

To Edward, it represented something that could become warm and welcoming, provide someplace to go for locals, and relief from the usual humdrum of the town’s two sketchy bars and one diner. It could be hygge (as his Danish friends liked to say).

Local contractors already hired, he needed no publicity to make it known the Starlight’s glory would shine again.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Love, Honour, Cherish


“Um… Love? Can I ask you…”

*chuckle* “I honour your desire to have more art supplies. Go ahead.”

“I so cherish you. But this isn’t about art supplies. I just wanted to say that I love you.”

“Thank you, sweetheart! I love you too!”

“And that I hit “buy” a few minutes ago.”

*chuckle* “Of course you did.” *wink*

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Rush, Triumph, Mountain


There is a famous path in North Vancouver called the Grouse Grind, which is essentially an outdoor stair master. And for many people, that’s how it’s used.

Most people who scale Grouse Mountain using the Grind take about two hours to make the journey. A local who has been training can do it in just over thirty minutes.

For those who race up the mountain on a routine basis, there are card readers; the difference in the check-in times at bottom and top calculate the athlete’s time.

To triumph, you can’t rush. Focus is key. Tripping costs time.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Size, Yesterday, Placid


The Retail Sales Floor Manager paced back and forth in front of the staff, hands behind his back, talking to the floor.

“It’s imperative that we maintain the highest standards. The customer who browses yesterday may purchase tomorrow. The customer who purchases today should know that we will remember their name, their size, and their habits. We must be placid in our attitude.”

A gentleman from Men’s Wear spoke up.

“Flaccid, sir?”

“No, not flaccid. Don’t be a ninny, Roberts. Now, where was I? Ah! Yes. I shall now detail the proper procedures for when…”

Twenty sets of eyes rolled.

Monday, February 11, 2019

Issue, Ghost, Tree


Genealogy club is not the kind of place you’d think would get me, a high school senior, all worked up. But it did.

I was researching my family tree, hoping to find a cool story about an ancestor. Maybe a rogue cop or an axe-wielding prohibitionist. Something edgy but not gory. I’d even take a good ghost story. I was digging but not finding. At least not what I wanted.

I found some stuff talking about the “Issue of Paul and Ingrid Mason” and all that. The bottom line is my girlfriend is my second cousin.

Is that legal?

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Boss, Tie, Pop


Ben was trying hard to impress his new boss. It wasn’t going well.

Ben was a Harvard-educated business and public relations expert who’d been hired by a giant insurance company based in Atlanta, Georgia. Their annual picnic was one of the highlights for the employees each year. Even the CEO was able to act more natural and interact with all the attendees.

Ben showed up wearing a suit and tie where everyone else wore T-shirts. He refused to talk to “lesser” employees. He even called “soda” what everyone else called “pop”.

Will Ben learn how to fit in?

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Hijinks, Lustre, Bramble


When deep snow enveloped the neighbourhood, the local kids got up to all sorts of hijinks.

One favourite was to throw snowballs into the hopper of passing sanding trucks. Another was to throw them at passing cars.

Some older kids had made ice balls. One put a dent into a driver’s door. The car slid to a stop, backed up, and the driver came racing up the slope to catch the hooligans.

Said hooligans ran through brambles to lose the furious adult. Except one, who hid behind an evergreen tree shaking in fear.

Throwing snowballs had lost its lustre.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Diamond, Preview, Mourn


Another set of captives that need to be inspired to dig and cautioned not to steal. And my men need a demonstration as well. I shall give it to them.

I stepped up and saw the villagers cringing. Good. They’re afraid.

“The only thing you are good for is labour! You will dig for diamonds in the mine and prove your worth. Do not steal from me. Here’s a preview of what will happen if you do.”

I had picked a frightened sheep of a man to sacrifice. He might bleat.

“Do not mourn for him. He is a thief.”

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Rank, Clear, Zoo


“The lead story tonight - the Redding zoo has been closed for failure to clear violations found during an inspection last month. Martha Engles is on scene. Martha?”

“Thanks Hank. State officials came to the zoo around 11:30 this morning, armed with a court order to shut it down until safety violations are fixed. Visitors were asked to leave and then the gates were padlocked. Here’s one visitors reaction.”
“I came here with my kids but ooh Lordie did it stink! I mean rank! We wuz leavin’ anyway! At least I got my money back!” 
 “Back to you, Hank.”

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Chinese, Pig, Zodiac


“The Zodiac speaks to each person in an individual way. This is why it’s so important to consult with a professional, such as myself, so that your future can be accurately predicted, as opposed to simply looking it up in the newspaper or referring to a website.

“My services are unique in that I cast three different charts: Western, Chinese, and Ayurvedic, and then look for the congruencies amongst them. Each has their strengths, and when combined, is highly accurate.

“With the Year of the Pig, we have…”

In Katie’s opinion, Maester Kauffman’s fee was high but well worth it.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Entangle, Slurp, Clasp


England had the Iron Lady. Omaha has the Steel Matron.

She sat, ramrod straight, in the greasy spoon her near-do-well son wanted to meet in. Her conservative suit, short cropped hair, and cold eyes all the same colour, the only adornment being a small jewelled clasp. Her presence drained the colour of everything around her. He was devouring hot soup.

*Slurp*

Her mask broke slightly, revealing unabashed disgust. Recovering quickly, her stone face mask was replaced. He looked up.

“I need money.”

“Of course you do. I don’t want to be entangled in your problems.”

“Typical. Ok. Bye.”

Monday, February 4, 2019

Delete, Fable, Balloon


Modern Day Tales in the form of limericks:

There once was a boy with a balloon
Who tried to float up to the moon
But he couldn’t delete
The weight on his feet
He’ll go bigger and try again soon.

And another:

There once was a woman who’d delete
Graffiti on walls and streets
Said she of the mess
I bet you can guess
That she’d like them tidy and neat

One more:

There once was a man who was able
To plot numbers from a table
That’d predict when
To replace his pen
And this is the last fable

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Parsnip, Nest, Inoculate


Russian folklore is full of old wives tales, herbalism, and other remnants of wisdom from a time when humans lived in harmony with nature.

For instance, Russian Nesting Dolls originated from having different kinds of root vegetables, hollowing them out, and having them nest one inside the other. It was a convenient way to carry the rinds of important ingredients for making medicines and tonics.

The parsnip, usually the second rind in, could be used in a soup to help inoculate people from the cold. Another example was the radish (usually the third rind in) that could fight fever.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Two, To, Too


What was Noah thinking as the animals came marching up two by two? If it’d been me, my thought process might have gone something like this:

Two by two. That’s a pair.

Pears. Did we pack enough pears?

Did we pack a peck of pears?

What about the pickled peppers?

Can’t stand hot peppers. Gives me the wind fierce.

Wind. Maybe the ark should have a mast to hoist a sail.

Hark! Did you say you have an ark? I do. Learned how to build it in arkitechture class. You too?

*****

It’s probably just as well I wasn’t there…

Friday, February 1, 2019

Exceptional, Grant, Bubble


Remember when the Bell Curve meant something? When the average grade in a class was C and to receive an A meant that you had achieved academic prowess well above the level of your classmates?

The menace of grade inflation doesn’t exist in a bubble. For instance, performance reviews are rife with grade inflation. An average worker now needs to be called “exceptional” to even have a chance at getting a raise, whereas someone who really is exceptional needs their performance review to sound as if they are the living embodiment of the God of Business.

“Average” isn’t average anymore.