Saturday, August 31, 2019

Cake, Deposit, Establish


“I establish ground rules to avoid misunderstandings regarding expectations from those who report to me. And you, despite your circumstances, will also be expected to toe the line, so to speak.

“I begin my mornings early and I expect the same of you. Exercise before mealtime encourages the digestion, improves mood, and is vital to overall health.

“You will keep your living conditions clean and orderly. Aside from having your possessions organized, you will not allow yourself to surround yourself with filth. A urinal cake will be provided. Use it. I hope I don’t need to address ‘deposits’.

“Understand, goldfish?”

Friday, August 30, 2019

Language, Desolate, Tower


Emma galloped one her brother’s GI Joes, mounted on a toy unicorn, across the desolate waste to reach the beautiful princess trapped in the evil witch’s tower. However, she slipped, GI Joe flew through the air, knocking her tower down.

“Shit!”, she yelled.

“Language.” HouseBot didn’t tolerate bad language.

Emma decided to be smart. “Language? French!”

Il est important qu'une jeune femme parle correctement.

Emma clapped in delight. “Chinese!”

艾瑪,你在聽嗎?”

Emma decided to have HouseBot stretch her abilities. “Laotian!”

இது கடைசியாக உள்ளது. புரிந்து?”

HouseBot held up its hand. “That’s enough for today. Remember - language.”

“Sorry.”

Thursday, August 29, 2019

Sincere, Cramp, Slot


Dear Vending Machine Manufacturers,

I would like to file a complaint. As a frequent user of the coin slots in various types of vending machines, I feel it is incumbent upon me to alert you to changes needed in how the machines treat coins.

One of the biggest complaints is the lack of space between coins. We are not sardines! The lack of space leads to uncomfortable cramped conditions. I’ve seen good coins go bad. It’s sad to watch a newly minted coin wear itself thin while waiting to be released from the “coin jail”.

Please fix this!

Sincerely,
Quarter

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Tradition, Trophy, Create


“Thanks for coming to the family meeting.”

“Dad, can we make this quick?”

“No Jordon, I can’t make this quick…”

“Great.”

“…because I want to discuss family traditions. Namely our lack of them and my desire to create some. Yes Trina?”

“Can it have unicorns?”

“I… uh…”

“Seriously? Can I go?”

“Jordon, patience. Trina, sorry Sweetie, but…”

“Hey! How about a trophy for the dumbest idea!”

“Jordon! Can you please try to be nice to your sister.”

“Try? Yes. Succeed? It all depends on how much longer this is going to last.”

*Sigh* “Good meeting everyone. Jordan, off you go.”

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Horror, Separate, Transit


“Houston, Stage three failed to separate.”

Flight Director Bill Franklin swore loudly and crushed the paper cup in frustration, then swore even more loudly as hot coffee poured over his hand.

An assistant ran up with a handful of paper towels, but Bill waved him away. He yelled to the Chief Engineer, “Can we override the control from here?”

Before he got an answer, klaxons began ringing. “Oh what new horror is this?”

The Chief Engineer yelled back, “Bill! The electronics are fried! We’re neutered here!”

Franklin silently calculated the damage. They’d miss the transit. Could they rescue the crew?

Monday, August 26, 2019

Wisp, Perspective, Crown


He stood erect, proud. This despite the castle, the bastion of power and influence his family had wielded for hundreds of years, was now a pile of ashes. The last wisps of smoke hung low against the ground. What had been his crown was now molten metal.

“Well shit.”

Hesitantly, his chef approached.

“Lord, a million apologies. The grease fire got out of control and…”

The king raised his hand.

“I pride myself on perspective. You didn’t mean to start the fire, therefore you are forgiven.

“Far more importantly - I hope Aunt Beatrice will let me crash in her castle.”

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Lab, Tape, Solicit


“Oh honey, you just do not get what’s going on here.”

“Yeah? We have you on tape! Soliciting is a serious offence.”

“Uh huh. That pencil neck geek? He didn’t want sex. Did you actually listen to the tape?”

“You were negotiating a location for your liaison. His lab, I believe?”

“He didn’t want anything illegal! He doesn’t ever want anything like that. He just…”

“Yeah? He what?”

“He likes to play doctor.”

“Yeah? And you’re the patient?”

“No. I’m the receptionist. I force people to wait in “the waiting room” for hours. It’s weird, but he pays well.”

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Recede, Cabinet, Sore


The sharp, angry, blinding light that had filled his head for so long began to recede. That light had been attached to pain, searing pain that had enveloped him so fully that there was no single place where he hurt.  All he knew was as that sensation lessened, it had left him shaking and nauseous.

It took a minute to realize he was lying awkwardly on a narrow wooden staircase, a huge cabinet lying on top of him. Ah… right. He’d been carrying it up the stairs and tripped.

His body began to cramp and go cold and sore.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Icon, Vein, Beetle


“It’ll be awe inspiring, instantly recognizable, like VW Beetles and iPhones - something in that vein. Everyone will want one and it’ll be a social symbol. Icons of fashion and culture will encourage their audiences to acquire them.

“It’ll be customizable, with different colours, materials, shapes and sizes, yet maintaining a certain look that enables everyone to know exactly what it is.

“That’s what I want. What else do you need to know?”

“How about some idea of what you want to make?”

“Look - I’ve hired you to help develop my idea! So help develop!”

“How about a watch?”

“Sounds great!”

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Settle, Curse, Oblique


“Hey Catfish.”

“Hey Zebrafish.”

“What’s happenin’?”

“Storm creamed visibility. Waitin’ here for things to settle.”

“Nice cave.”

“Thanks.”

“You sure you ain’t hidin’? Dogfish is tellin’ everyone you owe him sand dollars.”

“And you believe that dull-eyed, salivatin’ moron?”

“Nah. I believe the octopus who made an oblique reference to you, a gamblin’ problem, and a certain creditor.”

“It’s a horrible addiction, a curse. But it was a sure bet! A Great White knocked out by a snail? He threw the fight.”

“Nah. It was an Assassin Snail. They’re nasty buggers.”

“A snail? C’mon!”

“Look out - Dogfish is comin’.”

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Flower, Horn, Tank


Today, a new fish, a Flowerhorn, entered our aquarium home. Flowerhorns are quite aggressive and so need a tank of their own to live in. While I was off buying said fish, the store built said tank, then delivered him, it, and me to the eagerly awaiting Aleesha.
Chewy making a list of things to bring with him from the pet store.
The tradition with naming animals that come into the house is to “tune in” to their energy and allow the name to essentially come from them.

This fish asked to be called “Puddin’”.

The other rule is that if we don’t like the name, we can choose a different one, like “Chewy”.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Jelly, Monsoon, Knight


Sir Montenegro, a Spanish knight, sat astride a mule, trudging through thick jungle in the middle of a monsoon downpour. He wanted to take off his rusty armour but couldn’t because there was no other way to transport it.

He was lost. His only hope was for the mule to find someone, anyone, who could provide aid. The mule, however, on shaky legs, wasn’t going to last much longer.

One last step, the mule’s front legs collapsed, sending Montenegro rolling head over heels until he crashed into a shack. A toast and jelly eating peasant ran out. “Sir! You’ve arrived!”

Monday, August 19, 2019

Weak, Moth, Pleasure


“I’m weak! I’m an old man and I can’t stand up on my own. If I do manage to get to my feet, I’ll be blown back down by a single moth fart! I have a special inhaler so that I can take enough of a breath to use my regular inhaler. If I were stuck in a wet paper bag, it’d be a prison. My circulation is so sluggish, it’s an insult to slugs. You can actually see dust when I wheeze! It’ll be a pleasure when He finally lets me go. *Cough* Is that my aneurysm blowing?”

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Corrode, Kin, Theme


Officer Oliver hiked to the ramshackle cabin, mostly covered by a corroded metal roof. He went alone, hoping to avoid trouble.

Grandpa Morley, patriarch of the Schlutte family, stepped out from the cabin, holding a shotgun. 
“What’cha want?”

“Lookin’ for one of your kin, Shep. He holed up in there?”

“Nah. Haven’t seen’em for months. What’d he do this time?”

“It’s all of a theme with him. Grand Theft. That boy loves nice cars.”

The old man shook his head. “Damn fool. Well, he ain’t here.”

“Uh huh. Do my eyes deceive me or is that a ‘vet parked there?”

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Camp, Float, Guest


How Jonathon landed in the grifter trade is a wonderment - good family and solid education leading to being a confidence conman? Preposterous, but true.

How he ended up in a car, camped out in front of a casino with Vince (not his true name) is also a wonderment - Vince was notoriously a lone operator. But there they were, watching the movements of a regular guest to the establishment, looking for ways to pull off their scheme.

During their wait, Vince leaned over to Jonathon. “Mark my words: float over the dirt of reality and make your own. Be like me.”

Friday, August 16, 2019

Joke, Frame, Inquire


“Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to Christie’s auction house. My name is Frederick. I’m here to provide any information you require regarding any item that catches your attention.”

“Hey Fred…”

“Frederick, sir.”

“Fred? I wanna know about that painting by that little queer I-talian fucker.”

“The Caravaggio, sir? Young Sick Bacchus is one of his greatest works. The model was his lover, as was many…”

“Yeah, Fred, that one. Here’s the deal - the frame isn’t to my liking. Who the fuck framed it with that?”

“Is this a joke, sir? The frame was designed by a famous…”

“It sucks Fred!”

Thursday, August 15, 2019

Random, Strike, Chop


Gerald Jones, CEO of a toilet paper company and dubbed TreeSlayer by enemies and friends alike, was trying to tamp down a work action. While not a full-scale strike, multiple crews were doing work slowdowns, taking random breaks of various lengths. It was hard to police individually, but company wide it was already affecting the bottom line.

Jones called in new crews but their lack of experience was causing a lot of disruption. Frustrated, he called a meeting with the new crews: he pointed at the forest, then yelled, “Go! Chop Chop! How hard is that?!?”

Apparently quite hard.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Chuck, Probable, Dearth


“Ok people, here’s what we’ve got: on a traffic stop, the patrolman, on probable cause, searched the vehicle and made a large narcotics bust. We got lucky - they had no time to chuck the drugs or ditch the car. Another lucky break: the driver appears to be a fairly high-level dealer with connections to a drug lord.

“This is a break we can’t squander. To date there’s been a dearth of evidence against the top guy. Questions?”

“Any chance someone’ll try to break the perp out?”

“What kind of question is that, Jones?… Hey… does anyone hear gun shots?”

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Foot, Underwater, Potent


“My assistant says you have a new Indiana Jones movie idea?”

“It’s called Indiana Jones and the Pearl of Atlantis. It’ll follow the same storyline but…”

“Hang on. One of the fun things in those movies is watching Indie run from hordes of enemies. Are you saying he’ll swim?"

“Well… no… we’ll have…”

“‘Cause I’m not having a lot of shots of feet flapping underwater and bubbles floating all over the place.”

“No… of course not…”

“Well ok then. And of course there will be potent curses he’ll have to stumble into and miraculously survive.”

“…

“The script needs some edits…”

Monday, August 12, 2019

Roast, Inspire, Treat


“Ten minutes, Mr. Dunkin.”

Bob Dunkin was new on the celebrity roast circuit but he wasn’t sure he was up to it. His first go the prior evening had fallen flat, so much so that his fellow comedians hadn’t made fun of him. It’d been that bad.

Dorthy Rosenblatt, 50-year veteran of the circuit, found Bob furiously smoking and knew instantly what was going on. In her gravely voice, she said, “Kid, this one’s being televised. Treat the audience to somethin’ funny. Inspire the rest of us to bring our A game. Now go be funny.”

He flopped. Badly.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Honest, Hour, Pitch


“Jeff, I need you to be honest with me.”

“Joan, I’m an ad exec. Honesty is a very flexible thing in my business.”

“Yes Jeff, but you’re not currently trying to pitch me on the latest greatest thing. What I need to know is…”

“Oh seriously - we’re going there now? I’ve got the presentation of my life in an hour!”

“I’ve been trying to get you to commit for over two weeks!”

“Ok. Fine. It’s against my better judgement, but I’ll do it, God help me. Please tell your daughter I’ll attend her Career Day event.”

“Sober, right?”

*sigh* “Fine.”

Saturday, August 10, 2019

Crest, Spin, Trunk


He told himself he was only out for a spin, a drive. But he knew better.

Hours later, Peter pulled into the driveway of an ancient mansion; a relic from a better time for his family. He was now the proud owner.

In the middle of the foyer sat a chest, complete with a carved family crest. Peter rubbed his hands together. “A treasure!”

A breeze blew in from outside; the chest dissolved into dust, which reformed into a human shape, a butler. In a dry whisper, “Welcome, sir. The staff will see to your needs during your prolonged stay.”

Friday, August 9, 2019

Regret, Superstition, Even


“Where’s Barney?”

“About that… on the street. Probably.”

“Probably?”

“Look, you know how he is…”

“Obsessive Compulsive.”

“Well… I think it’s just superstition. So I’m trying to break him of it.”

“George, what did you do?”

“I dropped him off at the corner, told him to walk to the door and let himself in.”

“You know that he won’t be able to do that.”

“No, I don’t. His superstition is that he has to count and end in an even number. ”

“And I’m the fifth door down. C’mon, dumbass, let’s go get him…”

“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

Ceiling, Great, Justice


Reject my application to the Justice League just because my “look” isn’t in vogue, will you? Think Batman is all that with his black cowl and violent past? Think Superman, that pretty boy, is all that great? Wonder Woman, that token hero who supposedly proves there’s no glass ceiling, is she worthy of being there?

I’ll show ‘em. I’ll show them that a new brand of superheroes is up and coming, that the populace will accept new kinds of heroes into their midst.

I’m the Social Media Avenger, righter of wrongs that occur online. Villains! Be warned! I stand ready!

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Bash, Future, Ideal


YouTube is full of gender reveal videos where expectant couples tell friends and family what gender is growing inside of mom. Is there any sort of video that is currently off limits but might, over time, become edgy, then run-of-the-mill?

What happens when mom only wants to know she’s having a healthy baby but dad wants to throw a big bash for the big reveal? At the baby’s first cry, the appropriately coloured confetti rains down on dozens of people crammed into the delivery room?

In my opinion, ideally, this type of video will have no future.

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Tremble, Flip, Underground


In the underground home of the cave salamanders, a remarkable event occurred, one which changed the destiny of one small community.

It is said that in the world of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. And since cave salamanders are blind, the introduction of the cyclops salamander made it king.

Bowing and scraping, the blind would tremble at the passing of the one-eyed ruler, seeking only to curry favour.

Or so the cyclops thought.

What he didn’t know was that after the king passed by, his subjects would flip him off behind his back.

Nervy little bastards.

Monday, August 5, 2019

Crack, Simple, Merge


“Dr. Bartholomew, I understand you want to give a complete answer. I’m a simple man and I need simple solutions. So, in English please, what is the solution to the crack epidemic?”

“Governor Findley, I have spent over forty years meticulously studying the causes and effects of crack addiction within the population. There are, in whole or part, over twenty different agencies, non-profits, and other organizations working on the problem. It is a massive bureaucracy consuming millions of dollars per year. It’s not like you can say there’s one single solution…”

“Let’s merge all those agencies together. I’m brilliant!”

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Extra, Hospital, Solid


“The numbers are solid. We have room to add departments and provide extra services to the populace.” Ken Wold, Chief Administrator for Bloomington General Hospital, pointed at the screen to highlight his point to the mayor.

“What sort of services are you suggesting?”, Mayor Dorffender asked.

“In light of the opioid epidemic, we can add a clinic to help addicts. We can also put in a diabetes clinic, complete with dialysis machines. And of course if you have any ideas, I’m happy to consider them.”

“And you’ll need funding?”

“The plan is capital intensive. Hopefully we can cut a deal.”

Saturday, August 3, 2019

Kind, Chore, Effort


Leonard thought of himself as a parent who was going to lead his offspring to success and greatness. He’d moved to the ideal house (within a 500 mile radius) that would allow for getting into the best preschool, which would lead to the best kindergarten, and so on.

But Leonard was determined to take it one step further. When it came to doing chores, he was going to ensure his children did different kinds; variety would help expand horizons.

He planned to create maximized opportunities for his children. Now all he needed was to meet and marry the perfect wife.

Friday, August 2, 2019

Bow, Wipe, Tusk


Gosh it’s hot today. The water hole is nearby. Hopefully the hippos don’t hog it today.

Why do flies land in the corners of my eyes. My eyes aren’t water holes. I really want to wipe them away but my trunk isn’t flexible enough. And let’s not talk about my tusks - I can gore with the best of them but these flies…

Some folks can lick their own eyes. I’d love to be able to do that. I’d bow to the elephant that can do it. But no one can.

Maybe I can wash them out at the water hole.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Seizure, Excite, Iris


Iris had existed within a strict level of emotional control. Too little  stimulation could lead to debilitating depression, while too much could excite her into a seizure. The fear of deviating into either state itself put tremendous stress on her shoulders, pressing down so solidly that the line between the two unwanted conditions were so close together, she thought she might experience both at once.

Everything had changed the day she attended a free ballroom dancing lesson. Moving her body in tandem with a partner as the music flowed through and around her carried the cares of her world away.