Complication, Begun, Elephant

Eunice the elephant’s delivery had begun. Unfortunately, there was a complication; her baby was in danger of suffocating which in turn threatened Eunice’s life.

Janice, the large-animal vet, was given an update on Eunice’s status. The baby was caught in the umbilical cord and it needed to be untangled. Everyone in the room knew what needed to be done - the elephant in the room was that Janice would need to reach inside Eunice and if her arms couldn’t reach, she’d have to go in deeper. Potentially much deeper.

“Time to suit up!” Janice laughed. Everyone else looked uncomfortable.

Train, Mock, Arcane

The train to Hogwarts was full of teenage students, both new and returning. Like teenagers everywhere, these ones were trash talking, mocking the looks, intelligence, and abilities of those they hated, or were jealous of, or didn’t even really know. But these insults were full of arcane references.

“Hey! Blunder Guts! You gonna vomit up whirly worms again this term?”

“What’s it to you, Troll Nose?”

*****

“Let’s just say she’s uglier than a gargoyle’s ass!”

“Who’s ass you talking about, swamp fart?

*****

“Slytherin rules, Gryffindor drools!”

“Snape killed someone last year and I hear he has it out for you.”

Broke, Slope, Kick

Steve’s friends figured he needed a kick in the ass. Or perhaps more like a gentle push.

Steve looked over the edge of the mogul slope, calculating the odds of living through the experience. He was a decent skier, but moguls were a very different animal.

“Steve, just go for broke! Do it man!”

Mike was trying to convince Steve to give the ski run a try. Meanwhile, Joe was sneaking up from behind.

“Don’t want to break. Broken isn’t sexy.” Steve was getting ready to ski away.

Joe, meanwhile, gave the anticipated push. “See ya at the bottom Steve!”

Knot, Not, Naught

It had all been for naught. Not that she cared. He knew that now.

He’d had a crush on her ever since that first time she’d gotten on the bus. She had a smile that could melt ice cubes. Everyone liked her. He had hoped she liked him too.

Stomach in knots, he’d screwed up his courage and gotten off at her stop so that he could talk to her. But she didn’t notice him as she ran home.

He just stood there, watching the bus receding into the distance, his friends laughing.

Third-grade puppy love is hard.

Style, Frizzle, Grit

On the set of True Grit, John Wayne was treated like a god. He pretended not to notice. It wasn’t within his style to acknowledge how he was worshipped. It would interfere with his swagger.

He was the classic cowboy tough guy. His image was of a man who could out-survive anyone on the frontier, could out-work anyone on the prairie. He was Popeye without the spinach addiction.

Everyone on the set worked hard to make sure his look matched the myth he embodied.

No one, however, worked harder than the hairdresser. His hair was a frizzle nightmare.

Local, Strenuous, Absurd

Dick was a cynic. Tell him that strenuous exercise was good for you, he’d insist it wasn’t. Tell him that proper nutrition was vital, he’d say “not so”. Demonstrate how supporting the local community was good, he’d flatly deny it. Arguing with him was an absurd notion. Banging your head against a wall would bring more satisfaction than talking to him about anything.

Dick’s long-suffering wife, when confronted by complaints against her husband, was a passionate advocate for him. She insisted that he was a genius, able to eviscerate anyone’s misbegotten beliefs.

The truth was, Dick believed in nothing.

Two, Four, Challenge

“Mike, run straight up four steps, then go right. I’ll hit you there.”

Columbus Street was known for its pick-up touch-football games. They used a Nerf ball - it didn’t fly as far but didn’t hurt when catching it. Or getting beaned in the head like had happened last play.

Today, some older kids had challenged the neighbourhood kids to a game. The older kids were taller but there was a two-to-one advantage in numbers for the younger kids. So far the score was even.

The game would go on until they got called in for dinner.

Mist, Blame, Asset

Croatian drug kingpin, Vukodlak (in English, “The Werewolf”) sat with his chief accountant, Brojevi  (in English, “Numbers”). The books had irregularities.

Brojevi blamed Vukodlak’s nephew, Skriven (in English, “Hidden”), who’d been named as Brojevi’s assistant. He’d tried to keep an eye on his unasked for and unwanted assistant, but clearly he’d missed things.

“You know why they call me Vukodlak, Brojevi?”

“Because you are half man and half wolf.”

“No. I am all wolf in human skin. You never believed. Now you will.”

Brojevi’s screams were cut short. Shortly after, the full moon shone through a pulsing red mist.

Presents, Presence, Mulberry

Madam Margot’s last seance hadn’t gone well; a fop had gone insane and the other participants, all well-healed and influential, had blamed her. She was unaware of what had happened, other than she’d entered a trance deeper than she ever had before and when she’d come out of it, there’d been chaos.

She was camped outside of a small town where no one knew her. While out gathering burdock, she smelled a brimstone presence, which said “My Lord presents you with the gift of knowledge. Mulberry mixed with cream will win you favour with the trading caravan due tomorrow.”

Spare, Elegant, Plenty

“Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

I was stopped at a light, impatient for it to change so I could be on my way. And here was this joker, driving a small Honda, asking in all earnestness if I had any fancy French mustard to spare. I didn’t have time for this.

“Sure”, I replied. “Do you want the Classic or the Country variety?”

The driver looked surprised. “You have both?”

“Fuck yeah. I’m an elegant guy. Plenty to spare.”

“I’d like the…”

Thankfully the light changed. I raced off before I had to listen any more nonsense.

Pastel, Bliss, Store

On the days when his parents were due to be out of the house for a few hours, Bruce would grab the ladder from the garage in order to get into the attic and look at his dad’s old Playboys.

Aside from those old magazines, and the Christmas decorations, the attic was full of items and old memories. Senior yearbooks and tassels - the bliss of never needing to attend school again.  A pastel shirt and cardigan combo with the store tags still on them - a relic of a bygone decade with no hope of ever being worn. And much more.

Environment, Coke, Alternate

Glen Morgan, CEO of Coal, Inc., took a wheezing breath before he continued his defence of the production of coke.

“Coke is purified coal. There are very few impurities in coke and so it makes for better steel. Bottom line, there is no alternate material that will make quality steel.”

The reporter leaned in.

“So how do you respond to those who say that the mining of coal is a disaster to the environment. And the pollution concerns of making the coke?”

Glen rolled his eyes.

“So what do you propose? Stop using steel?”

“But isn’t the environment more important?”

Gargoyle, Inspect, Health

Gary the Gargoyle Diary, 2/16

Another day of appearing to lunge out from the eaves of this building. I can’t turn around so I have no idea what building it is, but it must be important if they put me here.  Whoever “they” are.

A man came by today to inspect a colleague. I believe his health, my colleague’s not the man’s, might be failing. I believe the man will be by tomorrow with a bucket of plaster. Hoping Scary Steve feels well soon.

Meanwhile I pick up the slack. Hoping the overtime I’m working will be worth it.

Hygge, Relief, Starlight

The Starlight Motel & Lounge, located off Highway 37 in Somewhere, USA, was a rundown relic of 1950s auto travel. Its 52 rooms suffered from cold, damp, and mold. The accompanying miniature golf course was overgrown, rotting, and weatherworn.

To Edward, it represented something that could become warm and welcoming, provide someplace to go for locals, and relief from the usual humdrum of the town’s two sketchy bars and one diner. It could be hygge (as his Danish friends liked to say).

Local contractors already hired, he needed no publicity to make it known the Starlight’s glory would shine again.

Love, Honour, Cherish

“Um… Love? Can I ask you…”

*chuckle* “I honour your desire to have more art supplies. Go ahead.”

“I so cherish you. But this isn’t about art supplies. I just wanted to say that I love you.”

“Thank you, sweetheart! I love you too!”

“And that I hit “buy” a few minutes ago.”

*chuckle* “Of course you did.” *wink*

Rush, Triumph, Mountain

There is a famous path in North Vancouver called the Grouse Grind, which is essentially an outdoor stair master. And for many people, that’s how it’s used.

Most people who scale Grouse Mountain using the Grind take about two hours to make the journey. A local who has been training can do it in just over thirty minutes.

For those who race up the mountain on a routine basis, there are card readers; the difference in the check-in times at bottom and top calculate the athlete’s time.

To triumph, you can’t rush. Focus is key. Tripping costs time.

Size, Yesterday, Placid

The Retail Sales Floor Manager paced back and forth in front of the staff, hands behind his back, talking to the floor.

“It’s imperative that we maintain the highest standards. The customer who browses yesterday may purchase tomorrow. The customer who purchases today should know that we will remember their name, their size, and their habits. We must be placid in our attitude.”

A gentleman from Men’s Wear spoke up.

“Flaccid, sir?”

“No, not flaccid. Don’t be a ninny, Roberts. Now, where was I? Ah! Yes. I shall now detail the proper procedures for when…”

Twenty sets of eyes rolled.

Issue, Ghost, Tree

Genealogy club is not the kind of place you’d think would get me, a high school senior, all worked up. But it did.

I was researching my family tree, hoping to find a cool story about an ancestor. Maybe a rogue cop or an axe-wielding prohibitionist. Something edgy but not gory. I’d even take a good ghost story. I was digging but not finding. At least not what I wanted.

I found some stuff talking about the “Issue of Paul and Ingrid Mason” and all that. The bottom line is my girlfriend is my second cousin.

Is that legal?

Boss, Tie, Pop

Ben was trying hard to impress his new boss. It wasn’t going well.

Ben was a Harvard-educated business and public relations expert who’d been hired by a giant insurance company based in Atlanta, Georgia. Their annual picnic was one of the highlights for the employees each year. Even the CEO was able to act more natural and interact with all the attendees.

Ben showed up wearing a suit and tie where everyone else wore T-shirts. He refused to talk to “lesser” employees. He even called “soda” what everyone else called “pop”.

Will Ben learn how to fit in?

Hijinks, Lustre, Bramble

When deep snow enveloped the neighbourhood, the local kids got up to all sorts of hijinks.

One favourite was to throw snowballs into the hopper of passing sanding trucks. Another was to throw them at passing cars.

Some older kids had made ice balls. One put a dent into a driver’s door. The car slid to a stop, backed up, and the driver came racing up the slope to catch the hooligans.

Said hooligans ran through brambles to lose the furious adult. Except one, who hid behind an evergreen tree shaking in fear.

Throwing snowballs had lost its lustre.

Diamond, Preview, Mourn

Another set of captives that need to be inspired to dig and cautioned not to steal. And my men need a demonstration as well. I shall give it to them.

I stepped up and saw the villagers cringing. Good. They’re afraid.

“The only thing you are good for is labour! You will dig for diamonds in the mine and prove your worth. Do not steal from me. Here’s a preview of what will happen if you do.”

I had picked a frightened sheep of a man to sacrifice. He might bleat.

“Do not mourn for him. He is a thief.”

Rank, Clear, Zoo

“The lead story tonight - the Redding zoo has been closed for failure to clear violations found during an inspection last month. Martha Engles is on scene. Martha?”

“Thanks Hank. State officials came to the zoo around 11:30 this morning, armed with a court order to shut it down until safety violations are fixed. Visitors were asked to leave and then the gates were padlocked. Here’s one visitors reaction.”

“I came here with my kids but ooh Lordie did it stink! I mean rank! We wuz leavin’ anyway! At least I got my money back!” 

 “Back to you, Hank.”

Chinese, Pig, Zodiac

“The Zodiac speaks to each person in an individual way. This is why it’s so important to consult with a professional, such as myself, so that your future can be accurately predicted, as opposed to simply looking it up in the newspaper or referring to a website.

“My services are unique in that I cast three different charts: Western, Chinese, and Ayurvedic, and then look for the congruencies amongst them. Each has their strengths, and when combined, is highly accurate.

“With the Year of the Pig, we have…”

In Katie’s opinion, Maester Kauffman’s fee was high but well worth it.

Entangle, Slurp, Clasp

England had the Iron Lady. Omaha has the Steel Matron.

She sat, ramrod straight, in the greasy spoon her near-do-well son wanted to meet in. Her conservative suit, short cropped hair, and cold eyes all the same colour, the only adornment being a small jewelled clasp. Her presence drained the colour of everything around her. He was devouring hot soup.

*Slurp*

Her mask broke slightly, revealing unabashed disgust. Recovering quickly, her stone face mask was replaced. He looked up.

“I need money.”

“Of course you do. I don’t want to be entangled in your problems.”

“Typical. Ok. Bye.”

Delete, Fable, Balloon

Modern Day Tales in the form of limericks:

There once was a boy with a balloon
Who tried to float up to the moon
But he couldn’t delete
The weight on his feet
He’ll go bigger and try again soon.

And another:

There once was a woman who’d delete
Graffiti on walls and streets
Said she of the mess
I bet you can guess
That she’d like them tidy and neat

One more:

There once was a man who was able
To plot numbers from a table
That’d predict when
To replace his pen
And this is the last fable

Parsnip, Nest, Inoculate

Russian folklore is full of old wives tales, herbalism, and other remnants of wisdom from a time when humans lived in harmony with nature.

For instance, Russian Nesting Dolls originated from having different kinds of root vegetables, hollowing them out, and having them nest one inside the other. It was a convenient way to carry the rinds of important ingredients for making medicines and tonics.

The parsnip, usually the second rind in, could be used in a soup to help inoculate people from the cold. Another example was the radish (usually the third rind in) that could fight fever.

Two, To, Too

What was Noah thinking as the animals came marching up two by two? If it’d been me, my thought process might have gone something like this:

Two by two. That’s a pair.

Pears. Did we pack enough pears?

Did we pack a peck of pears?

What about the pickled peppers?

Can’t stand hot peppers. Gives me the wind fierce.

Wind. Maybe the ark should have a mast to hoist a sail.

Hark! Did you say you have an ark? I do. Learned how to build it in arkitechture class. You too?

*****

It’s probably just as well I wasn’t there…

Exceptional, Grant, Bubble

Remember when the Bell Curve meant something? When the average grade in a class was C and to receive an A meant that you had achieved academic prowess well above the level of your classmates?

The menace of grade inflation doesn’t exist in a bubble. For instance, performance reviews are rife with grade inflation. An average worker now needs to be called “exceptional” to even have a chance at getting a raise, whereas someone who really is exceptional needs their performance review to sound as if they are the living embodiment of the God of Business.

“Average” isn’t average anymore.

Acquire, Mammoth, Quick

Light from the campfire illuminated the elder’s face.

“The winter was deep and harsh. Hunting was scarce and the people hungry. Elga the Wise Woman dreamed of a stray mammoth away from its herd many leagues distant.

“We were thirty-seven men and twenty-one hounds. We dared not take much in supplies so the people wouldn’t suffer greatly.

“Three days and nights to find the beast, another four to hunt and slay it. It was strong.

“It gave us its life, giving the people life. Elga acquired the prime pieces. To the gods she gave the beast’s quick.”

Polar, Vortex, Bear

“…and note that as we look at the Fibonacci Series and the related Golden Ratio, instead of looking at it as the series heads towards infinity and the ratio towards Euler’s Constant, instead let’s look at the resulting spiral, in a polar graphing system, heading towards the ultimate Vortex! That of zero!”

Paul wondered why John had dragged him here. Clearly the speaker was a dolt, trying to sound profound, but to anyone who knew anything about maths, or Greek architecture, or really had any sort of education that was worth a damn, it was pure crap. It was hard to bear.

Radio, Head, Rush

I’ve worked in a couple of different cities where, when lunch ended and the afternoon started to roll along, people would start listening to their radios. The idea was that in the event of a traffic accident on the bridge (one city) or bad weather (another city), they would rush off to be at the head of the line for the ferry (the first city) or the bus (the second city) for commuting home.

I wasn’t one of those people. When things got bad during the commute, I’d just shrug and make my way home. I got there eventually.

Sensible, Crisp, Yoke

It was the time of year when the air turns crisp and the sun hangs lower in the sky. It was the time to harvest, to yoke the oxen, and take a portion of his harvest to his lord. It was the time for men to trade for supplies using the remainder of the harvest. Sensible men would stay sober in town and not drink away a year’s worth of toil.

Bartlett was a sober man. He woke early, worked hard, ate modestly. He rarely smiled and spoke mostly of the weather, agriculture, and husbandry. He knew nothing else. 

Foreign, Concentrate, Possibility

The silk clad crone waved her hands over and around the crystal ball, invoking spirits to commune with her. Her wealthy patrons sat rapt as Madame Margot implored them to focus.

“Concentrate! Peer deep within the orb. What secrets might be revealed? What possibility might be known?”

A strange voice, thick with the foreign accent of an exotic land, erupted from her throat.

“Who calls me forth?! Who shall pay the price? Where is my sacrifice?”

A pompous little man with a modest moustache clapped his hands.

“Oh, isn’t this ever so good!”

Eyes that weren’t Madam’s burned his soul.

Fixate, Knot, Blow

He’d known it’d happen in time and now his time had come. He’d been approached and a deal struck with the understanding that this would put some money in his pocket and keep his family safe. The fix was in and he was the fall guy. His trainer tied the final knot, head bowed.

There’d been a time when he’d fixated on reaching the top, of being the champ. This deal would end that run.

He entered the ring knowing that in the fifth round, he’d drop his guard slightly, take the blow, and lose to a lesser man.

Rerun, Nightmare, Slid

A mother’s greatest nightmare is dealing with her child’s serious injury or disease. My mother had that nightmare rerun each year, without fail, on Mother’s Day, for several years running.

My brother and I seemingly took turns in being the one needing some number of stitches put into some part (or parts) of our bodies.

One year a nail in a fence found its way into my forehead, another a rusty part of a teeter-totter slid through the web between my thumb and forefinger.

Thankfully, the cycle ended without loss of limb or permanent damage. 

Exceed, Blunt, Enlist

When a new 21-year old college graduate takes command of a combat platoon full of people who have faced death on a daily basis, it can get awkward. When he tries to look tough as he gives his initial address to these people, such as having them stand at attention in the beating sun, their 1000-yard stares simply look through him.

As the young grad says things about “Let me be blunt - I expect you to exceed my expectations” and “I’ll enlist the best in each of you”, they know he’ll leave in two years. Or less.

Post, Slice, Marshmallow

“Fuck! Slice, again!”

Tommy was the pro at what had to be the most pathetic golf course in the country and so was the instructor for all the pathetic golfers in the country.

Mr. Wheaton, aged 76, had decided to take up golf as exercise. He was a former “salty” sailor who had a mouth and attitude to match. Those didn’t help his game.

“Yes sir, you sliced. Focus on the ball, not on where you want it to go. Move you body like a unit but not stiff like a post. And no marshmallow arms.”

Same instructions, different day.

Rancid, Lock, Beam

“He believed it?”

“Lock, stock, and barrel.”

For anyone looking at the scene, they’d see two young men, giggling idiotically, drunkenly huddled in a corner at a friend’s house with a loud party going on around them. For anyone getting close enough, they’d immediately turn around to get away from the overwhelmingly rancid stink of alcohol.

As that observer would be heading to the closest exit for some fresh air, they’d see another drunken idiot standing in the front lawn with eyes screwed up tight and fingers to temples, attempting to beam himself back to his two “friends”.

Moon, Gripe, Salivate

Exhaustion had taken her head and crushed all thought out of it. Her body had molded itself to the rocking chair; sitting night after night deep into each night with her colicky baby was taking its toll.

Gripe water didn’t work. Only being held upright did. He slept and she tried. Exhaustion is odd, isn’t it? Too exhausted and your body forgets how to fall asleep.

The moon shone through the window and illuminated the back of his head. It was moments like this that helped her endure.

She opened her eyes moments later; she’d sleep salivated onto her nightgown.

Dazzle, Encumber, Protect

Her detractors called her “Manica”, but Monica Roberts took the insult as a badge of honour. As the first trans-woman to run a successful clothing company, she knew a thing or three about business. Today she’d met with her legal counsel on ways to protect the trademark on Dazzle Jeans, the flagship product.

He wanted to “encumber their competitors with lawsuits”, or in other words, sue their pants off. She wanted to try negotiating first. He resisted. She insisted. He made the mistake of using her “other name”. One call to HR later and his desk was empty.

Glass, Super, Mint

“If you had a super power, what would you have?”

Damon was lying on the floor of his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. Bryce, his best friend, was reading the latest X-men comic while sitting against the floor.

“Uh… I don’t know. Maybe the ability to make any comic book mint.”

Damon sat up.

“What kind of stupid power is that? What about super strength? Reading minds? Shooting shards of glass from your eyes?”

Bryce kept reading.

“Do you know how much your collection would be worth if all your comics were mint?”

That made Damon pause.

Smile, Pieces, Strong

Ken’s first speed dating experience wasn’t going well at all. It all started with his first “date”:

“Hi, I’m Ken.”

“Hi, I’m Jessica. I just need you to know that I’m a Pisces.”

Ken was so nervous that he latched onto that bit of information. His mind began to race - she’d mentioned that she’s a Pisces, so that must be important to her. Pisces smile a lot, they are strong-willed, twelfth sign of the zodiac, she believes in astrology…

“Pisces, eh? I’m a Gemini.”

“What? No - I said I’m in pieces! Emotional pieces! Geez!”

Mess, Escape, Collapse

Captain Marshall sat down in the Officer’s Mess in his usual seat at the head of the table, looking fierce. Along both sides of the table, the other officers sat quietly, looking down.

As tureens of food were served, the Captain tried to make eye contact with anyone. Not even the First Mate acknowledged him.

“I was in the right!”, roared the Captain as he threw stew into his bowl.

“No, you weren’t” murmured the XO as the musket blast hit the Captain in the belly. He flopped over, collapsed, and tried to make his escape.

Building, Ikea, Furniture

“Hey Ollie!”

“Ya Wallie?”

“What’cha buildin’?”

“Not sure Wallie.”

“What do you mean you’re not sure, Ollie? Ya went ta Ikea and ya baught somethin’. Looks furniture-like, ya know, Ollie?”

“Ah Wallie - why ya tryin’ ta spoil it for me? I don’t skip to da end of da novels Wallie an I ain’t about to do dat on dese here instructions.”

“Ah… yah… ya have yarself a good read Ollie.”

Curry, Cycle, Ask

The date she was on with Roger, despite her best efforts, was not going well. Shelley pitied him - he was socially awkward, painfully shy, and clumsy - and so while she wanted the date to end soon, she wasn’t going to simply walk away. And that squeaky voice of his…

“Shelley? You listening? I was just saying how my fish tank is going through a cycle.”

“May I ask what that means?”

“It means, silly, that the tank is currently toxic to my fish. They died.”

“Oh my!”

“It’s ok. I made a curry.”

She began to look for an exit.

Rug, Pug, Hug

*Whine, whine*

“Hey! Hey! Hey you! What you in for? You crap on the rug?”

“Nooo…”

“Hey! Hey! You’re a pug, yeah? You pugnacious?”

“Whaaaa?”

Another voice further down the room barked out “Leave ‘em be Frenchie. Sorry about Frenchie there pup. He’s here for eating an encyclopedia.”

Frenchie kept up.

“Hey! Hey! You’re a pugilist, yeah?”

Another voice came from further down the room. “He clearly ain’t, Frenchie. But I am. Knock it off or when we’re off leash tomorrow I’ll be looking for ya. Got it?”

“Yeah! Yeah! No worries, Butch! Sorry Pug.”

*****

Remember, shelter dogs need hugs.

Sly, Rose, Sat

Brandon sat on a stump, not looking at much of anything at all, his paintball gun laying across his lap. He’d been a last minute substitute for his older brother’s team - one of the guys was down with the flu. Since he was the new guy, he had to stay behind and guard the flag. It sucked.

While his eyes weren’t watching for much, his ears picked up the sound of someone trying to be sly, misstepping and breaking a twig. Slowly, heart pounding, Brandon rose, grabbed his gun, and readied himself for his first ever paintball battle royale.  

Popcorn, Fire, Fleece

A dark figure stood near a fire burning low in a rusty, battered oil drum, one of many burning in skid row. His fleece-lined suit kept him warm, despite the bitter cold.

“Hey mister, wanna drink?”

A ragged figure staggered up to him, swaying from drink and stinking of poor hygiene.

“No.”

The dark figure reached for a scented cloth.

“Well… want some fresh-popped popcorn?”

The dark figure looked sharply at this unfortunate human.

“You have the microfiche?”

“Nahhhhh… but your friend said to look up.”

Looking up, he spotted the sniper's laser sight.

Ferment, Slight, Nice

Nice, France was a city under siege. The city’s fury was directed against a referee who didn’t penalize an opposing player for an injury-causing foul of their star player. People had taken to the streets, ready for violence. All it would take would be a single slight by a fan of the opposing team to ignite the city.

Perhaps it was inevitable that the trouble would be instigated by someone drunk on “fermented grape” as it’s known. The flames of anger spread quickly onto the streets, burning cars and breaking store windows, causing millions of euros in damage.

Bored, Roll, Slave

“I am not a slave to my desires. I am bored and not bothered by everything around me.”

Francisco ran through his mantra, readying himself for this, his final task. His guru assured him that enlightenment was his if only he could a. smell but not eat his mother’s food, b. listen to but not argue with his brother Roberto, (who was an idiot), and c. sit but not squirm for the entire time at the dinner table.

It was going to be a long night; he kept wanting to reach for a dinner roll to dip in the sauce.